I Was

Wow. I am constantly amazed at how great of a teacher Mrs. Genesky is, how similar we are and how much I'm okay with that.

When I started high school, I was invincible. I was independent, I had everything together, I had strong goals and a plan to achieve them. During my four years (changed "throughout" to "during" just for you Mrs. G) at Millbrook and especially this past year, I have pretty much completely fallen apart. I've learned just how weak I am and been defeated many times. This seems kinda like a sad realization, but I have come to realize how grateful I am that I learned how to fail in high school. And I learned really well.

There's a certain beauty to vulnerability. I tend to hide a lot of myself from the outside world because vulnerability has always made me pretty uncomfortable. But the more I live my life, the more I realize how important it is to show weakness sometime. Hiding it is just unreasonable. I'm not fooling anyone by pretending that I have no weaknesses. We're all human and we all have them whether I choose to show them or not. But vulnerability allows for some of the most precious moments you are allotted in life. The moments I cherish most are when I am able to open up completely with the people that I love, or when they can do the same for me. I hope I continue to develop my ability to show weakness. I want to learn to express my passions and emotions because they are the most powerful form of communication. You touch others' hearts when you allow yours to be open.

I've always wanted to do everything on my own, but the reality of life is that it's impossible to make it through this crazy world completely alone without going insane. I've learned that it's important to me to make sure that no one feels like they are alone. I've conditioned myself to try my hardest to reach out to people when I know they are going through something hard in their life. So many times I have felt like there is no one I can talk to and I get overwhelmed by trying to bear everything in my life. I want to help others avoid going through this. We all need a little help sometimes, and we all need someone to lean on when we're not strong (thank you Bill Withers).

I still have big goals that I strive for every day, but I've had to learn to be okay with not being perfect. I try to not overwhelm myself and to be okay with my limitations. Like I said, I've failed a lot in high school. It builds a thick skin, but also gave me a push to learn to love myself with all of my imperfections and be okay with myself during the pursuit of perfection. I know I'll never achieve complete perfection as it is impossible, and I'm learning to be okay with myself when I'm strongest, weakest, and everywhere in between. The reality is, as long as we're trying, we are perfectly imperfect.

When I started high school, I thought I was happy. I've realized now that although I was happy, I was inexperienced. It's one thing to be happy when everything's going right. But the real test is being happy when everything goes wrong. And that's what I strive for daily, for myself and for others.

Now that it's all beginning to end, I have spent countless hours reflecting on what I've gone through and how much I've grown. The truth is, I don't want to grow up. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go to college and be on my own. I love the life I've created here, and the future terrifies me. I know I'm nowhere near done failing, and I hope I can use what I've learned in high school to put myself back together when I have dreams crushed and fall apart. Yet I hope to have the courage to show my weaknesses and allow others to learn through me and be able to connect with people emotionally. Everyone has fears, but the truly courageous openly share their fears and face them head-on.

I will be courageous.
I will be vulnerable.
I will be a friend.
I will spread happiness.
I will be happy.
I will travel.
I will admire.
I will give thanks.
I will persevere.
I will share my passions.
I will serve.
I will progress.
I will be imperfect.
I will be successful.
I will learn.
I will love.
I will live.
I will remember.




Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and helped me on my way. And to those who stuck with me through all of my blog posts (;